Is It Safe?: Marathon Man

Ron Ron pussied out on Tuesday again, but because we're trying to be nice to each other now we're supposed to just let this small betrayal go without dissing him. ASD showed up at DG's place at 8:00. He was on the couch, eating a turkey wrap with lettuce and cucumbers. ASD assumes the cucumbers were added at his girlfriend's gentle urging, as DG is not fond of vegetables, his diet has always basically been one that constantly tempts scurvy, and because he took one bite and reluctantly admitted, "the cucumbers weren't a bad idea, Trish." It was DG's turn to pick. He informed ASD that he was planning on blowing her and Senior Senior's minds with TV Carnage, since he doesn't want to waste any of his good picks on nights when all four members aren't around. ASD thought that was just about the lamest thing she'd ever heard but tried not to let it show. Thankfully, Senior Senior showed up and announced that he, like ASD, was already familiar with TV Carnage, so we combed through DG's DVD collection and selected Marathon Man. This was an excellent idea for many reasons, as we'll get into shortly.

Senior Senior horrified DG by hanging his cat from a door frame and letting her fall eight feet to the floor. Things were kind of awkward for a couple minutes after that. ASD and DG went out back to smoke a joint while Senior Senior stubbornly stayed in his chair, Pringles on his lap, and refused to stop watching the Olympics, even for ten minutes, even after ASD pronounced the Olympics "stupid." When DG and ASD returned, DG put on the selector's uniform and introduced Marathon Man by telling his teammates about a time in his life when he was working a really crap job at a call centre and, like, totally identified with Dustin Hoffman's character. I know it sounds like I'm being sarcastic, but it was actually a pretty great story and DG is a fine storyteller.

Marathon Man opens with the weirdest car chase scene ever, and then Dustin Hoffman runs around Central Park, picks up a babe at the library, gets tortured by a nazi fugitive, runs more, and finally drops a briefcase full of diamonds into some water. It's awesome! DG and Senior Senior had already seen it, but ASD hadn't, and it knocked her straight onto her (ever-expanding) ass. After the Marathon Man ended, DG and Senior Senior laughed their heads off at some guy named Ben Dover who appeared somewhere in the credits, and Senior Senior told us a bit of hilarious Marathon Man trivia. Then DG brought out his talking points. These referred to a few holes in the plot, but The Team was fairly forgiving since the movie is basically just so bad-ass overall. The talking point that generated the most discussion and debate was as follows: "Does Dustin Hoffman have game?" ASD stressed emphatically that yes, he's a total babe, and she'd do him in a heartbeat. Senior Senior and DG weren't so sure, but their opinions matter less since they're straight guys and know nothing about this sort of thing. That said, ASD has famously questionable taste, so it's still pretty much up in the air.

Senior Senior chooses next week. Ron Ron, again, will be a phantom-beard, an empty spot on the couch, a warm spot in our hearts.

Knife in the Water

It is worthwhile to note that the previous long winded entry is actually a synopsis of the movie 'Knife in the Water' by Roman Polanski, and it was ASD's pick. The film was slow burning, very Polish, and everything that epitomizes Team Club. Intersting, thought provoking and something we'd never watch under different circumstances. ASD offered up a delicious treat of Pringles in two varieties, which Senior Senior took full advantage of. DG's better half also chipped in with some pizza, so she was allowed to watch the film from a neighbouring room.

No ganj this time, so Team Club was all business. Settling in, Amy wore a special outfit to compliment her golden selector's uniform, Senior Senior was particularly fond of her lipstick. Together, the trio watched the feature sans Ron Ron, and the elders made a hastry retreat afterwards.

Good fun.

Team Club Holiday Party Round 1 (minus Ron Ron)

Tuesday, Ron Ron was unable to make it out to Team Club, so ASD and DG decided instead they would take a cheeky trip out to the lake and cruise on DG's boat. ASD started the trip off driving, to a soundtrack of freestyle Jazz blaring from the car's radio. But she simply couldn't satiate DG's desires for speed.

In a huff, DG smoked roughly three millimeters of a cigarette and demanded that ASD pull over and let him drive. DG had the car in third gear before it even started moving, and ASD desperately buckled her seat belt as DG set a new land speed record on the final stretch leading towards the docks.

A distant figure appeared in the middle of the road, DG was enraged. The audacity of some punk just standing around in the middle of the street, DG had one thing on his mind, and it was cold blooded autocide. As the car neared the figure, the figure remained unwavering, staring death in the face. Reluctantly DG slammed on the breaks and the car skidded to a halt inches from Team Club's own Senior Senior. Senior Senior was apparently out on a day hike, and so he decided to tag along with ASD and DG. Before long, the three amigos set sail on a high seas adventure of epic proportions.

It wasn't long before tensions began to mount. Senior Senior admitted that he didn't know much about sailing, but DG was quick to put him in his place. DG announced that he was the skipper of the vessle, and only one skipper could be found on this ship, and Senior Senior had better recognize. Senior Senior responded by climbing to the top of a mast with ease. DG, one for a competition, saw this as a challenge and it was on.

TEAM CLUB NAUTICAL OLYMPICS

(Round 1) Boat driving.

Growing up on the east coast, DG managed to maneuver the boat like a pro. Tacking across the lake with expert precision. When it was Senior Senior's turn, he had the vessel rattling and churning withing half a second of touching the tiller.

***Senior Senior laid on the deck like Jesus for a while... hmmmmm

(Round 2) Time telling.

Senior Senior looked at his finger for a while and declared that it was 12:00. DG looked at his watch and said that it was actually 12:20. ASD pointed out that Senior Senior didn't have a watch, DG still wasn't impressed.

(Round 3) Pot holding.

Senior Senior mocked DG for using an invention. Even though inventions are awesome, but Senior Senior was unrelenting. So DG challenged Senior Senior to hold the hot soup pot in his bare hands. Senior Senior grabbed the scalding hot pot and held it his bare hands, refusing to sucumb to the searing pain. For what seemed like ten minutes he held that damn pot. Finally, ASD tried to pry it from his hands, but she dropped it on the floor, and Senior Senior scolded her for her efforts.

*** As skipper of the boat, DG implements a new rule, no whistling.

(Round 4) Endurance match: Pulling a boat through high grass.

Both men dragged the boat through tall grass as ASD catches some rays in her trademark white bikini. Senior Senior complains about having to do this competition, and when ASD tries to relieve him of his duties, Senior Senior takes it to the next level and single-handedly pulls the boat, leaving DG scrambling to catch up.

*** DG wastes no time in breaking his own rule and whistling.

(Round 5) Knife play

Senior Senior is known for his handiness with a blade, and he never goes anywhere without his trusty side-knife. It makes a really loud 'ka-chink' noise when he opens it, and it's so big it is almost considered a novelty weapon of sorts. Often Senior Senior passes time by stabbing it between his fingers. He's pretty good at it, and DG asked if he could give it a try. DG doesn't seem to mind the fact that this involves stabbing his precious boat. He wasn't so good at it either. The two men shared a rare homo-moment on the deck of the boat, as Senior Senior gently cradled DG's hand for a moment as he taught him the ways of the blade.

At this point Senior Senior had had his fill of sailing and requested that they return home. DG and ASD however had no intentions of going back. Senior Senior decided that he would be the new skipper of the boat, grabbed an oar and began paddling towards shore. But not so fast, DG tilled the boat so it would only travel in circles, and he and ASD laughed at Senior Senior's futile attempts to paddle towards shore.

This enraged Senior Senior. He threw the paddle into the water. 'Jump in!' demanded DG. But Senior Senior refused, admitting that he couldn't swim. ASD to the rescue, she jumped in and grabbed the oar, and then asked for her inflatable crocodile so she could go for a swim. DG joined her. Senior Senior ceased a moment and high jacked the boat and ultimately ran it ashore in shallow water.

(Synthetic) Rain started and the three decided to retreat inside for some more fun. ASD shamelessly undressed infront of the fellas, but DG was too distracted by a radio broadcast boxing event to notice. DG smoked some weed and poured everyone some booze, then settled in for a game of Jazz Sticks. At one point Senior Senior threw his knife at a wall. DG tries to do the same but sort of fails. He hit the wall, but he didn't look as cool doing it. Senior Senior woos ASD with some poetry, ASD sings Senior Senior a song. This reminds DG of the story of the greatest Jazz Sticks player he's ever met. And as he starts to tell it, Senior Senior falls asleep instantly. Saddened, DG sets the alarm for 5 AM and calls it a night.

The next morning, shit goes mental. Senior Senior asks if anyone has seen his knife, DG responds 'Yeah, I got it'. Senior Senior asks for it, and DG throws it into the water. That just aint gonna fly, so Senior Senior attacks DG. DG ultimately punches Senior Senior so hard that he slides along the entire surface of the boat and into the water only to drown. ASD is horrified! Senior Senior can't swim, and he refused to wear a life jacket because it 'chafed his nips'.

After a brief search and rescue attempt, ASD calls DG a murder. DG is fine with that, so fine with it, he has decided to swim to the police station and turn himself in. And he's off. Now ASD is alone on the boat, and does what any woman would do when she's all alone and has just witnessed a murder. She strips down naked and hangs out. What she doesn't know, is that Senior Senior can swim just fine, and he was playing a prank. He catches a sneak peak of ASD in the buff, they get real and they get it on.

And then, as swiftly as he came, he is off, Senior Senior makes his trademark log-roller exit, twirling down white water, that's how Senior Senior learned to step lightly.

When ASD finally arrived back at the car, DG was hanging out in his banana hammock. Apparently he wasn't going to the cops after all. ASD lets him in on Senior Senior's little prank, DG is unimpressed. But alas, nothing can stop Team Club.

Next week, they're all gonna be there (except Ron Ron) and DG is going to start off Round 3.

AND THAT my friends, is the story of Team Club's Team Club Holdiday Party Round 1. (minus Ron Ron) Much love everyone.

Screw Your Hall Pass: A Nightmare on Elm Street

Three short days after partying hard and reconciling their differences, Team Club met on the evening of Tuesday, July 29th earlier than usual. ASD arrived at around 8:00pm with no booze in her bag, but endless love in her heart. Ron Ron and DG were already in the living room, their bellies full of Brontoburger, their smiles radiant and beatific, their hunger for flesh satiated. Even DG's (insane) cat seemed to understand that this was a sacred event, and didn't make her usual panther-like leap for freedom when the mighty troika exited out the back for their ceremonial joint. She didn't climb the screen door and glower at us, unblinking and resentful, either: truly, a first. "The racoons," announced DG, grandly, from his patio chair, "have relocated from under the deck to the chimney next door! Fear not, friends, for we are safe." Yes, readers! The heavens were doubtlessly smiling on The Team that night, for the skies did not dampen our shoulders with rain and the racoons did not encircle us, nor tear the flesh from our bodies, nor burn us with their malevolent, glowing eyes.

An obvious question is on your minds: Where is sweet, lovely Senior Senior? The answer to this question is heartwarming. He was working, but selflessly insisted that The Team carry on without him, demonstrating perfectly the spirit of goodwill and self-sacrifice that The Team strives daily to embody! Please take a moment, readers, to think about this. Endeavor to apply it to your own lives. Thank you.

Back on the porch things were heating up. DG wondered if being viciously attacked by a shark and surviving the ordeal would be worth it for the incredible story such an attack would yield. ASD argued vehemently against this, screeching, "Um, i think screaming your head off and shitting in your swimsuit and then maybe spending the rest of your life with some missing limbs would outweigh the benefits of having an entertaining anecdote! Duuuuuh." Ron Ron was on the fence. DG was all, "just sayin'." DG and ASD were able to resolidify their bond moments later, though, by ganging up on Ron Ron and mocking his sandals. In the end, through a moving tale about comfort, brand loyalty, and durability, Ron Ron persuaded his comrades to respect the unsightly sandals, and all was well. The Team moved inside.

Ron Ron didn't "announce" his selection so much as he had it ripped unwillingly from his throat by the relentless ASD who is very freakishly good at guessing games. "Who directed it?" she asked. "Wes Craven." "Is it A Nightmare on Elm Street?" "No. Okay, yes. It is." DG and Ron Ron hadn't seen it. ASD had, but many years ago. The mood was optimistic, and the film began. So, too, did the whispers:

Ron Ron: "I wish Senior Senior was here."
DG: "Me too."
ASD: "Me too."
Ron Ron: "I miss him so much."
ASD: "Me too. It feels like I'm dying."
DG: "I'm being engulfed by flames of longing. It burns."
ASD: "He is a superior sort of man, yes?"
Ron Ron: "Yes."
DG: "Definitely. A strong man."
ASD: "Yes."
Ron Ron: "Who will hold me if I get scared?"
DG: "I could try?"
ASD: "Don't do it, DG! It won't be the same. It will only make him more scared."
DG: "True."
ASD: "Just close your eyes if you get scared, little buddy. Close them tight and think of Senior Senior."
Ron Ron (sniffling): "Okay."

The Team did not get scared, if that's what you're wondering. They agreed that Freddy's first kill (Tina) was pretty awesome, and they agreed that the premise was cool. They were into the puberty theme, the sexual allegory. There were funny bits too, mainly between Nancy and her mother, but especially when Freddy tried to slip Nancy the tongue through her phone.

The Team enjoyed the movie despite the lack of scares, but still missed Senior Senior and periodically looked forlornly at his empty spot on the couch. Then, just as Nancy was really kicking Freddy's undead ass, the front door flew open. Footsteps could be heard in the hallway. DG was the only one brave enough to look. ASD covered her eyes, protecting herself against disappointment. Ron Ron distracted himself noisily with the bag of Sun Chips. Suddenly DG erupted in jubilation: "Senior Senior!" Were there hugs? Yes. Were there joyful tears? Yes. Were there whispers of "don't ever leave us again?" Yes. Did Ron Ron leap into Senior Senior's arms, rip open Senior Senior's shirt, and bury his tear-soaked face into Senior Senior's hairy chest? Yes, that definitely happened. Dad is home. All is well.

TRUCE

Team Club has mended itself and gathered Saturday night for some tasty times and
timer shots.  Some were gone before they left
some left,
on their own accord and others
kept 
their socks on and stayed. It was a delight.

Bits of the evening were dedicated to ones and zeros.

We see the Team Club in a sweet timer shot.  D.G. trying to

be gangster with a sleepy Ron Ron.  D.G. backing out of 

Ron Ron's boredom.  A.S.D. scolding Ron Ron for being sleepy. D.G

going to sleep with his socks on.  A.S.D. having one more glamour shot

before disappearing into the night. Next time we will have blender drinks and a porch of somekind.

Just A Little Thought

Does Harry Dean Stanton (pictured below) not look whole bunch like Freddy Krueger?

(By "pictured below", I mean below the baby.  It's the post about him turning 82 and how he is a fine man.  He is.  But he also looks like Krueger.  Krueger makes me think of a car horn from the 1920's.)

Back At 'Er!

That's right folks, team club is back on the street with more class fiber than a bag full of wheat! Tonight will be full of sweet memories to cherish forever, featuring the choice of the one and only (and youngest darling of the group) Ron Ron Pantalon. Although details are shrouded in secrecy like an adulterous secretary (that was a stretch...), it is known that tonight's choice is an epic film that has been a terrifying staple in 80's cinema since, well...the 80's!

Fasten your seat belts and fast-in to the living room because tonight...TONIGHT is going to change your life.