Is It Safe?: Marathon Man

Ron Ron pussied out on Tuesday again, but because we're trying to be nice to each other now we're supposed to just let this small betrayal go without dissing him. ASD showed up at DG's place at 8:00. He was on the couch, eating a turkey wrap with lettuce and cucumbers. ASD assumes the cucumbers were added at his girlfriend's gentle urging, as DG is not fond of vegetables, his diet has always basically been one that constantly tempts scurvy, and because he took one bite and reluctantly admitted, "the cucumbers weren't a bad idea, Trish." It was DG's turn to pick. He informed ASD that he was planning on blowing her and Senior Senior's minds with TV Carnage, since he doesn't want to waste any of his good picks on nights when all four members aren't around. ASD thought that was just about the lamest thing she'd ever heard but tried not to let it show. Thankfully, Senior Senior showed up and announced that he, like ASD, was already familiar with TV Carnage, so we combed through DG's DVD collection and selected Marathon Man. This was an excellent idea for many reasons, as we'll get into shortly.

Senior Senior horrified DG by hanging his cat from a door frame and letting her fall eight feet to the floor. Things were kind of awkward for a couple minutes after that. ASD and DG went out back to smoke a joint while Senior Senior stubbornly stayed in his chair, Pringles on his lap, and refused to stop watching the Olympics, even for ten minutes, even after ASD pronounced the Olympics "stupid." When DG and ASD returned, DG put on the selector's uniform and introduced Marathon Man by telling his teammates about a time in his life when he was working a really crap job at a call centre and, like, totally identified with Dustin Hoffman's character. I know it sounds like I'm being sarcastic, but it was actually a pretty great story and DG is a fine storyteller.

Marathon Man opens with the weirdest car chase scene ever, and then Dustin Hoffman runs around Central Park, picks up a babe at the library, gets tortured by a nazi fugitive, runs more, and finally drops a briefcase full of diamonds into some water. It's awesome! DG and Senior Senior had already seen it, but ASD hadn't, and it knocked her straight onto her (ever-expanding) ass. After the Marathon Man ended, DG and Senior Senior laughed their heads off at some guy named Ben Dover who appeared somewhere in the credits, and Senior Senior told us a bit of hilarious Marathon Man trivia. Then DG brought out his talking points. These referred to a few holes in the plot, but The Team was fairly forgiving since the movie is basically just so bad-ass overall. The talking point that generated the most discussion and debate was as follows: "Does Dustin Hoffman have game?" ASD stressed emphatically that yes, he's a total babe, and she'd do him in a heartbeat. Senior Senior and DG weren't so sure, but their opinions matter less since they're straight guys and know nothing about this sort of thing. That said, ASD has famously questionable taste, so it's still pretty much up in the air.

Senior Senior chooses next week. Ron Ron, again, will be a phantom-beard, an empty spot on the couch, a warm spot in our hearts.