Screw Your Hall Pass: A Nightmare on Elm Street

Three short days after partying hard and reconciling their differences, Team Club met on the evening of Tuesday, July 29th earlier than usual. ASD arrived at around 8:00pm with no booze in her bag, but endless love in her heart. Ron Ron and DG were already in the living room, their bellies full of Brontoburger, their smiles radiant and beatific, their hunger for flesh satiated. Even DG's (insane) cat seemed to understand that this was a sacred event, and didn't make her usual panther-like leap for freedom when the mighty troika exited out the back for their ceremonial joint. She didn't climb the screen door and glower at us, unblinking and resentful, either: truly, a first. "The racoons," announced DG, grandly, from his patio chair, "have relocated from under the deck to the chimney next door! Fear not, friends, for we are safe." Yes, readers! The heavens were doubtlessly smiling on The Team that night, for the skies did not dampen our shoulders with rain and the racoons did not encircle us, nor tear the flesh from our bodies, nor burn us with their malevolent, glowing eyes.

An obvious question is on your minds: Where is sweet, lovely Senior Senior? The answer to this question is heartwarming. He was working, but selflessly insisted that The Team carry on without him, demonstrating perfectly the spirit of goodwill and self-sacrifice that The Team strives daily to embody! Please take a moment, readers, to think about this. Endeavor to apply it to your own lives. Thank you.

Back on the porch things were heating up. DG wondered if being viciously attacked by a shark and surviving the ordeal would be worth it for the incredible story such an attack would yield. ASD argued vehemently against this, screeching, "Um, i think screaming your head off and shitting in your swimsuit and then maybe spending the rest of your life with some missing limbs would outweigh the benefits of having an entertaining anecdote! Duuuuuh." Ron Ron was on the fence. DG was all, "just sayin'." DG and ASD were able to resolidify their bond moments later, though, by ganging up on Ron Ron and mocking his sandals. In the end, through a moving tale about comfort, brand loyalty, and durability, Ron Ron persuaded his comrades to respect the unsightly sandals, and all was well. The Team moved inside.

Ron Ron didn't "announce" his selection so much as he had it ripped unwillingly from his throat by the relentless ASD who is very freakishly good at guessing games. "Who directed it?" she asked. "Wes Craven." "Is it A Nightmare on Elm Street?" "No. Okay, yes. It is." DG and Ron Ron hadn't seen it. ASD had, but many years ago. The mood was optimistic, and the film began. So, too, did the whispers:

Ron Ron: "I wish Senior Senior was here."
DG: "Me too."
ASD: "Me too."
Ron Ron: "I miss him so much."
ASD: "Me too. It feels like I'm dying."
DG: "I'm being engulfed by flames of longing. It burns."
ASD: "He is a superior sort of man, yes?"
Ron Ron: "Yes."
DG: "Definitely. A strong man."
ASD: "Yes."
Ron Ron: "Who will hold me if I get scared?"
DG: "I could try?"
ASD: "Don't do it, DG! It won't be the same. It will only make him more scared."
DG: "True."
ASD: "Just close your eyes if you get scared, little buddy. Close them tight and think of Senior Senior."
Ron Ron (sniffling): "Okay."

The Team did not get scared, if that's what you're wondering. They agreed that Freddy's first kill (Tina) was pretty awesome, and they agreed that the premise was cool. They were into the puberty theme, the sexual allegory. There were funny bits too, mainly between Nancy and her mother, but especially when Freddy tried to slip Nancy the tongue through her phone.

The Team enjoyed the movie despite the lack of scares, but still missed Senior Senior and periodically looked forlornly at his empty spot on the couch. Then, just as Nancy was really kicking Freddy's undead ass, the front door flew open. Footsteps could be heard in the hallway. DG was the only one brave enough to look. ASD covered her eyes, protecting herself against disappointment. Ron Ron distracted himself noisily with the bag of Sun Chips. Suddenly DG erupted in jubilation: "Senior Senior!" Were there hugs? Yes. Were there joyful tears? Yes. Were there whispers of "don't ever leave us again?" Yes. Did Ron Ron leap into Senior Senior's arms, rip open Senior Senior's shirt, and bury his tear-soaked face into Senior Senior's hairy chest? Yes, that definitely happened. Dad is home. All is well.