The Traitor Who Wants to Kill Team Club: A Shaming

Behold the face of a monster:



Disappointed doesn't even begin to describe how ASD, Senior Senior, and DG are feeling right now. Angry? Sure. Betrayed? Definitely. When ASD walked into her favourite neighbourhood watering hole last night, she was in high spirits. She had a smart, sexy, fun man on her arm. She had, moments earlier, eaten her first ever pickled egg. Imagine her joy, then, at discovering Ron Ron seated at a window-facing table near the front of the bar! ASD is (was) proud to have Ron Ron as a friend, and she was delighted at the opportunity to show him off to her date, to prove that she does in fact have cool friends, a life outside of books and booze. It's with a heavy heart that I explain what unfolded next.

ASD, Charming Man, and Ron Ron retired to the back patio. Some issues of a personal nature were discussed, and ASD and Charming Man lent sympathetic ears, sipping their Guinnesses and nodding reassuringly for they are basically saints. Sometimes a perfectly lovely picnic is destroyed by a sudden thunderstorm. Sometimes a delightful summer at Camp Crystal Lake is ruined by a masked psycho named Jason Voorhees. Sometimes a wicked bonding sesh is decimated by Ron Ron, who announces that he's chosen his band over The Team for the second time in three weeks. ASD wept openly on the patio. Ron Ron yelled and punched her in the eye. Charming Man broke a chair over Ron Ron's head. ASD screamed. Ron Ron fled into the night.

Team Club is carrying on as usual on Tuesday, minus the traitor who is forfeiting his turn to select, making it ASD's turn instead.

You Fucking Broke My Sitar, Motherfucker: DiG!

Team Club shifted nights again this week, meeting on Monday instead of Tuesday, because we're basically really crap at being adults and can't commit to anything. I got there first, but was met with only DG's empty house and a post-it note stuck to the front door which read, Gone to Bronto, Be Back Pronto! p.s. Call Ron Ron. Without a cellphone and already a bit stoned, I sat on the porch and contentedly read a pretty wicked book about snake-handling until DG and Ron Ron arrived with armloads of take-out. This was consumed on the back patio where we were under constant siege by a family of nine raccoons. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, where is the lovely Senior Senior? When will this flimsy triangle become a strong square with four equally devoted corners? Yeah, well, so were we. We passed the time trying to guess what movie he'd bring. Senior Senior, remember, was being punished for an unforgivable and poorly-timed nap and therefore had to bring a movie with a one-word title (no "the" allowed). DG rolled a joint. Ron Ron annoyed us with puns.

About 60 years later, Senior Senior showed up and offered no apologies. By then, we each had long, gray beards and crooked, little canes and none of us could remember why we were there. We scratched our balding heads and stroked our beardy chins. DG realized that he was holding a joint, so we lit it and - fortified - remembered our purpose: to mock me relentlessly. DG, Senior Senior, and Ron Ron mocked me for a good 15 minutes solid about my career, lifestyle, and romantic misadventures. As the most glamorous member of The Team and the only uncoupled one, I am constantly a victim of their jealousy for they secretly long to be as free and beautiful as I. To be fair, we also mocked Ron Ron for a while. Senior Senior scurried off again (this time to heroically procure snacks), and we watched the movie when he returned.

What did Senior Senior pick? That's a very good question, and I don't mind telling you that he fucking blew our minds by selecting a documentary. Not once had we considered that he might bring a documentary! That's the thing about Senior Senior: he's an unpredictable guy with a gruff voice and tight trousers. We love Senior Senior:



Dig! made us laugh our heads off and gasp at the distressing effects of hard drugs. Halfway through the film, I noticed that Senior Senior was not wearing the Selector's Uniform, and when I whispered this to him, he leapt to his feet and remedied the situation immediately. Still, close call. Talking points? Oh, sure:

1. Drugs are bad.
2. The chick from The Dandy Warhols gained weight. Don't look at me. That one came from the mysogonist on my right.
3. Holy crap, The Dandy Warhols wrote the Veronica Mars theme song! I'm a huge fan. Of Veronica Mars, not The Dandy Warhols. And not of the theme song either.
4. The Brian Jonestown Massacre are way better than The Dandy Warhols. Also, The Dandy Warhols are wankers.
5. We love Joel Gion and Matt Hollywood.

The walk down Indian Grove was pleasant, as was the subway ride and subsequent walk down Clinton. Ron Ron chooses next week. He, too, is suffering punishment by Theme Jar and must select a movie made in the 80s. This delighted him for about half a second before we firmly reminded him of the No Star Wars Rule.

How to Murder Your Wife on Your 15th Try: Survive Style 5+

It's so fucking hot at work because the air conditioning is broken and the second floor of the library is basically made of goddamned windows. My brain is melting and my back is slippery like an otter's! So maybe that's why I can't remember anything about Team Club's meeting last week, or maybe it's actually because it was a week ago. Also, I was pretty crazy and withdrawn at our last meeting because I had just quit smoking and was compulsively sucking on these little individually-wrapped lifesaver thingies. Anyhow, nothing much registered with me that night except the following:

1. There was a lot of cigarette-smoking in Survive Style 5+.
2. I thought the advertising chick was funny. I don't mean that her commercials were funny (although some were). I just mean that I thought it was funny and cute and endearing that she kept cracking herself up. No one agrees with me.
3. That guy from Eurotrip who plays football for Manchester was annoying.
4. Undead wife was hot. The male members of The Club would like to have sexual intercourse with her. I'm just jealous of her hair.
5. The soundtrack made me want to slice my ears off.
6. We unanimously enjoyed Bird Dad, though not necessarily his heroism.
7. I really loved the set designs, but forgot to mention it.

I remember some other things too, like how DG said that he downloaded this movie by mistake and that the subtitles were a bitch to synch up. He also said that when he first watched it he felt "the full range of human emotions, from euphoria to rage." Weirdly, I do not remember a single talking point, BUT I remember that there were talking points and that they were effective at generating debate. Of all Team members, Ron Ron clearly loved this movie the most and defended it valiantly at every turn. DG, Senior Senior and I liked it but not nearly as much as baldy-beardy (Ron Ron who, for the record, cut off all his lovely hair). I remember Senior Senior cleverly (and sadly) observing that the dashing Selector's Costume gradually climbs up the necks of our larger members- a tragic design flaw. He also (falsely/cruelly) accused me of licking my nicotine patch.

I'm saddened by the fact that this crappy post does not effectively convey the joy of the evening. There were snacks! There was friendship! There was much joy! There would have undoubtedly been joy last night too if Ron Ron hadn't ruined it for all of us by choosing his bandmates over his teammates, cancelling the meeting, and hurting our feelings. Shame on you, Ron Ron. Some of us are sensitive, okay?
Two words: THEME JAR. Two more: DREAM QUEST.

Senior Senior picks next week. Let's not forget that he too is suffering punishment by Theme Jar and must select a film with a one-word title. What will it be? My money's on Ghost.

Shattered

"To cause to break or burst suddenly into pieces, as with a violent blow"

It is with these solemn words that one can describe this week's Team Club meeting. Ron Ron, last seen at a local Wal-Mart (allegedly looking for toilet paper), has made the grave mistake of carelessness involving large quadrupedal mammals (see below).

These large galloping beasts are inherently capable of simple 'springsteen-like' rock songs and are apparently performing in a boat in a few weeks. Ron Ron is fabled to be attending the voyage and has even begun to grow sharp, pointy ears and a small tuft of fur on his upper anus for the occasion. Regrettably, these furry exaptations will inhibit his Tuesday appearance at the Indian Grove meeting temple.

Team Club members are distraught and Ron Ron's emotions are a crumpled and stuck together like dung particles caught on a shaggy mammal's behind.

No news yet on whether or not Team Club will postpone the meeting until tomorrow night or what sort of punishment will ensue for intra-member betrayal. More news will come when it becomes available but for now, keep on Teaming.

Santi's Quest For Booty Juice

Tito, formerly known as Skeletor, formerly known as DG was a little late getting to Snake Mountain last Tuesday, and he was greeted by a smiling and partially drunk Senior Senior, and a rather serious looking ASD. Nobody seemed to care that Ron Ron was late, and nobody can be blamed for that. Tito quickly eased the tension by regaling his compares with tales of the Hockey Hall of Fame and all the wonders it holds. Then the usual routine kicked off and it was inside to settle once and for all whether ASD can pull off the official garment of Team Club.

After ASD had adjusted her scarf just so, it was clear that this wonderful piece of yellow fabric can't just be worn by any old scrub off the street, but ASD wears it like a champ.

THE DEVIL'S BACKBONE(R) is the story of some old geezer who can't get a boner anymore unless he drinks some nasty juice with mutant babies floating in it. Meanwhile, a bunch of punk children frolic around an old bomb, throw in the wussiest ghost ever and a hot ugly woman with a fake leg and you've got movie magic.

A standout scene was when wee Juventude decided to show how badass he was by fetching a pot of water. After narrowly avoiding a fatal beatdown at the hands of the abusive Spanish version of Joey Jeremiah, young Juventude is shot in the nuts with a rock from a resident slingshot-sniper named Fartles. Fartles is mischievous and about eight years older than the rest of the kids, at first you think he's badass because he smokes, but much like Santi the ghost, he is ultimately proven to be a big pussy who can't swim. Don't let Spanish Joey catch you hanging out by the pool, Fartles, he'll slam your head off a wall.

Easily the best part of the movie was when Old Man Jenkins did a shot of that nasty juice, then looked down at his crotch knowingly. There's a boner a-brewing.

If this movie had contained more scares or sex, it could have been a classic. As it stands, it was a solid exercise in reading comprehension and lead to some fantastic post-film conversation.

Congrats to all members of Team Club, the first round was an overwhelming success. Tonight's meeting has been cancelled by Senior Senior, I look forward to seeing you again for Round 2.



chowzers,
Tito

The Devil's backbone - A.S.D Picks

  This is a disappointing post in Team Club's history because it marks a fracture in the unity of the group as some members refuse to contribute to our mighty on line log. But I hold no grudges and gladly take up the account of A.S.D's pick.  The evening started with confusion as A.S.D was found on D.G's front porch peeking through the blinds with a tin of cookies and The Devil's Backbone tucked under her arm. She was panicked and a little pissed off and as Senior Senior mounted the porch without getting off his bike (he just rode it up the two dozen stairs like it was no big deal) A.S.D could be heard asking "where the hell is everybody?" The tardiness was explained.  A.S.D composed herself and handed Senior Senior one of the most delicious cookies the man has ever tasted.  The two found shelter from the drizzle in the backyard where A.S.D. smoked and reiterated "the whole point of Team Club", which is "commitment and sacrifice".  

  

  In time the other members arrived and the group continued to chill in the backyard.  Snake Mountain Blues was discussed, as were other possibilities for the posse's future but nothing was finalized.  Ron Ron was given a hard time for putting his head down on the table and having a small nap before we went into watch the movie.

  

  Inside, everyone got comfortable, A.S.D donned the "picker's uniform", we all commented on how good she looked in it and began the movie.  The response to the foreign horror was underwhelming.  No one in the group really felt scared or that invested in the characters but everyone agreed that the movie did have its moments.  The viewing also had a despicable and shameful display of napping by Senior Senior, who nodded off for five to ten minutes.  He felt bad but can not be resented for his personal dream quest because he had run a marathon earlier that day and also done in the neighborhood of 900 push-ups on his lunch break at work.

 

 The main talking point that A.S.D brought to the table: would you drink the devil's backbone to get your groove back?  For of D.G. and Ron Ron the question meant some serious soul searching.  Senior Senior was inclined towards yes but was still unsure and A.S.D. who had already seen the movie and had plenty of time to think about it knew for sure that she would dip a ladle in beside the fetus and toss back the sexy nectar.

  The square is now perfect.  The circle is complete.  Next week it begins again.  The wheel of time.  The four conners.  The team and the club.  D.G's pick.

Hola, Equipo!

Manana, nostros garrote suyo observar la pelicula El Espinazo del Diablo!