Is It Safe?: Marathon Man

Ron Ron pussied out on Tuesday again, but because we're trying to be nice to each other now we're supposed to just let this small betrayal go without dissing him. ASD showed up at DG's place at 8:00. He was on the couch, eating a turkey wrap with lettuce and cucumbers. ASD assumes the cucumbers were added at his girlfriend's gentle urging, as DG is not fond of vegetables, his diet has always basically been one that constantly tempts scurvy, and because he took one bite and reluctantly admitted, "the cucumbers weren't a bad idea, Trish." It was DG's turn to pick. He informed ASD that he was planning on blowing her and Senior Senior's minds with TV Carnage, since he doesn't want to waste any of his good picks on nights when all four members aren't around. ASD thought that was just about the lamest thing she'd ever heard but tried not to let it show. Thankfully, Senior Senior showed up and announced that he, like ASD, was already familiar with TV Carnage, so we combed through DG's DVD collection and selected Marathon Man. This was an excellent idea for many reasons, as we'll get into shortly.

Senior Senior horrified DG by hanging his cat from a door frame and letting her fall eight feet to the floor. Things were kind of awkward for a couple minutes after that. ASD and DG went out back to smoke a joint while Senior Senior stubbornly stayed in his chair, Pringles on his lap, and refused to stop watching the Olympics, even for ten minutes, even after ASD pronounced the Olympics "stupid." When DG and ASD returned, DG put on the selector's uniform and introduced Marathon Man by telling his teammates about a time in his life when he was working a really crap job at a call centre and, like, totally identified with Dustin Hoffman's character. I know it sounds like I'm being sarcastic, but it was actually a pretty great story and DG is a fine storyteller.

Marathon Man opens with the weirdest car chase scene ever, and then Dustin Hoffman runs around Central Park, picks up a babe at the library, gets tortured by a nazi fugitive, runs more, and finally drops a briefcase full of diamonds into some water. It's awesome! DG and Senior Senior had already seen it, but ASD hadn't, and it knocked her straight onto her (ever-expanding) ass. After the Marathon Man ended, DG and Senior Senior laughed their heads off at some guy named Ben Dover who appeared somewhere in the credits, and Senior Senior told us a bit of hilarious Marathon Man trivia. Then DG brought out his talking points. These referred to a few holes in the plot, but The Team was fairly forgiving since the movie is basically just so bad-ass overall. The talking point that generated the most discussion and debate was as follows: "Does Dustin Hoffman have game?" ASD stressed emphatically that yes, he's a total babe, and she'd do him in a heartbeat. Senior Senior and DG weren't so sure, but their opinions matter less since they're straight guys and know nothing about this sort of thing. That said, ASD has famously questionable taste, so it's still pretty much up in the air.

Senior Senior chooses next week. Ron Ron, again, will be a phantom-beard, an empty spot on the couch, a warm spot in our hearts.

Knife in the Water

It is worthwhile to note that the previous long winded entry is actually a synopsis of the movie 'Knife in the Water' by Roman Polanski, and it was ASD's pick. The film was slow burning, very Polish, and everything that epitomizes Team Club. Intersting, thought provoking and something we'd never watch under different circumstances. ASD offered up a delicious treat of Pringles in two varieties, which Senior Senior took full advantage of. DG's better half also chipped in with some pizza, so she was allowed to watch the film from a neighbouring room.

No ganj this time, so Team Club was all business. Settling in, Amy wore a special outfit to compliment her golden selector's uniform, Senior Senior was particularly fond of her lipstick. Together, the trio watched the feature sans Ron Ron, and the elders made a hastry retreat afterwards.

Good fun.

Team Club Holiday Party Round 1 (minus Ron Ron)

Tuesday, Ron Ron was unable to make it out to Team Club, so ASD and DG decided instead they would take a cheeky trip out to the lake and cruise on DG's boat. ASD started the trip off driving, to a soundtrack of freestyle Jazz blaring from the car's radio. But she simply couldn't satiate DG's desires for speed.

In a huff, DG smoked roughly three millimeters of a cigarette and demanded that ASD pull over and let him drive. DG had the car in third gear before it even started moving, and ASD desperately buckled her seat belt as DG set a new land speed record on the final stretch leading towards the docks.

A distant figure appeared in the middle of the road, DG was enraged. The audacity of some punk just standing around in the middle of the street, DG had one thing on his mind, and it was cold blooded autocide. As the car neared the figure, the figure remained unwavering, staring death in the face. Reluctantly DG slammed on the breaks and the car skidded to a halt inches from Team Club's own Senior Senior. Senior Senior was apparently out on a day hike, and so he decided to tag along with ASD and DG. Before long, the three amigos set sail on a high seas adventure of epic proportions.

It wasn't long before tensions began to mount. Senior Senior admitted that he didn't know much about sailing, but DG was quick to put him in his place. DG announced that he was the skipper of the vessle, and only one skipper could be found on this ship, and Senior Senior had better recognize. Senior Senior responded by climbing to the top of a mast with ease. DG, one for a competition, saw this as a challenge and it was on.

TEAM CLUB NAUTICAL OLYMPICS

(Round 1) Boat driving.

Growing up on the east coast, DG managed to maneuver the boat like a pro. Tacking across the lake with expert precision. When it was Senior Senior's turn, he had the vessel rattling and churning withing half a second of touching the tiller.

***Senior Senior laid on the deck like Jesus for a while... hmmmmm

(Round 2) Time telling.

Senior Senior looked at his finger for a while and declared that it was 12:00. DG looked at his watch and said that it was actually 12:20. ASD pointed out that Senior Senior didn't have a watch, DG still wasn't impressed.

(Round 3) Pot holding.

Senior Senior mocked DG for using an invention. Even though inventions are awesome, but Senior Senior was unrelenting. So DG challenged Senior Senior to hold the hot soup pot in his bare hands. Senior Senior grabbed the scalding hot pot and held it his bare hands, refusing to sucumb to the searing pain. For what seemed like ten minutes he held that damn pot. Finally, ASD tried to pry it from his hands, but she dropped it on the floor, and Senior Senior scolded her for her efforts.

*** As skipper of the boat, DG implements a new rule, no whistling.

(Round 4) Endurance match: Pulling a boat through high grass.

Both men dragged the boat through tall grass as ASD catches some rays in her trademark white bikini. Senior Senior complains about having to do this competition, and when ASD tries to relieve him of his duties, Senior Senior takes it to the next level and single-handedly pulls the boat, leaving DG scrambling to catch up.

*** DG wastes no time in breaking his own rule and whistling.

(Round 5) Knife play

Senior Senior is known for his handiness with a blade, and he never goes anywhere without his trusty side-knife. It makes a really loud 'ka-chink' noise when he opens it, and it's so big it is almost considered a novelty weapon of sorts. Often Senior Senior passes time by stabbing it between his fingers. He's pretty good at it, and DG asked if he could give it a try. DG doesn't seem to mind the fact that this involves stabbing his precious boat. He wasn't so good at it either. The two men shared a rare homo-moment on the deck of the boat, as Senior Senior gently cradled DG's hand for a moment as he taught him the ways of the blade.

At this point Senior Senior had had his fill of sailing and requested that they return home. DG and ASD however had no intentions of going back. Senior Senior decided that he would be the new skipper of the boat, grabbed an oar and began paddling towards shore. But not so fast, DG tilled the boat so it would only travel in circles, and he and ASD laughed at Senior Senior's futile attempts to paddle towards shore.

This enraged Senior Senior. He threw the paddle into the water. 'Jump in!' demanded DG. But Senior Senior refused, admitting that he couldn't swim. ASD to the rescue, she jumped in and grabbed the oar, and then asked for her inflatable crocodile so she could go for a swim. DG joined her. Senior Senior ceased a moment and high jacked the boat and ultimately ran it ashore in shallow water.

(Synthetic) Rain started and the three decided to retreat inside for some more fun. ASD shamelessly undressed infront of the fellas, but DG was too distracted by a radio broadcast boxing event to notice. DG smoked some weed and poured everyone some booze, then settled in for a game of Jazz Sticks. At one point Senior Senior threw his knife at a wall. DG tries to do the same but sort of fails. He hit the wall, but he didn't look as cool doing it. Senior Senior woos ASD with some poetry, ASD sings Senior Senior a song. This reminds DG of the story of the greatest Jazz Sticks player he's ever met. And as he starts to tell it, Senior Senior falls asleep instantly. Saddened, DG sets the alarm for 5 AM and calls it a night.

The next morning, shit goes mental. Senior Senior asks if anyone has seen his knife, DG responds 'Yeah, I got it'. Senior Senior asks for it, and DG throws it into the water. That just aint gonna fly, so Senior Senior attacks DG. DG ultimately punches Senior Senior so hard that he slides along the entire surface of the boat and into the water only to drown. ASD is horrified! Senior Senior can't swim, and he refused to wear a life jacket because it 'chafed his nips'.

After a brief search and rescue attempt, ASD calls DG a murder. DG is fine with that, so fine with it, he has decided to swim to the police station and turn himself in. And he's off. Now ASD is alone on the boat, and does what any woman would do when she's all alone and has just witnessed a murder. She strips down naked and hangs out. What she doesn't know, is that Senior Senior can swim just fine, and he was playing a prank. He catches a sneak peak of ASD in the buff, they get real and they get it on.

And then, as swiftly as he came, he is off, Senior Senior makes his trademark log-roller exit, twirling down white water, that's how Senior Senior learned to step lightly.

When ASD finally arrived back at the car, DG was hanging out in his banana hammock. Apparently he wasn't going to the cops after all. ASD lets him in on Senior Senior's little prank, DG is unimpressed. But alas, nothing can stop Team Club.

Next week, they're all gonna be there (except Ron Ron) and DG is going to start off Round 3.

AND THAT my friends, is the story of Team Club's Team Club Holdiday Party Round 1. (minus Ron Ron) Much love everyone.

Screw Your Hall Pass: A Nightmare on Elm Street

Three short days after partying hard and reconciling their differences, Team Club met on the evening of Tuesday, July 29th earlier than usual. ASD arrived at around 8:00pm with no booze in her bag, but endless love in her heart. Ron Ron and DG were already in the living room, their bellies full of Brontoburger, their smiles radiant and beatific, their hunger for flesh satiated. Even DG's (insane) cat seemed to understand that this was a sacred event, and didn't make her usual panther-like leap for freedom when the mighty troika exited out the back for their ceremonial joint. She didn't climb the screen door and glower at us, unblinking and resentful, either: truly, a first. "The racoons," announced DG, grandly, from his patio chair, "have relocated from under the deck to the chimney next door! Fear not, friends, for we are safe." Yes, readers! The heavens were doubtlessly smiling on The Team that night, for the skies did not dampen our shoulders with rain and the racoons did not encircle us, nor tear the flesh from our bodies, nor burn us with their malevolent, glowing eyes.

An obvious question is on your minds: Where is sweet, lovely Senior Senior? The answer to this question is heartwarming. He was working, but selflessly insisted that The Team carry on without him, demonstrating perfectly the spirit of goodwill and self-sacrifice that The Team strives daily to embody! Please take a moment, readers, to think about this. Endeavor to apply it to your own lives. Thank you.

Back on the porch things were heating up. DG wondered if being viciously attacked by a shark and surviving the ordeal would be worth it for the incredible story such an attack would yield. ASD argued vehemently against this, screeching, "Um, i think screaming your head off and shitting in your swimsuit and then maybe spending the rest of your life with some missing limbs would outweigh the benefits of having an entertaining anecdote! Duuuuuh." Ron Ron was on the fence. DG was all, "just sayin'." DG and ASD were able to resolidify their bond moments later, though, by ganging up on Ron Ron and mocking his sandals. In the end, through a moving tale about comfort, brand loyalty, and durability, Ron Ron persuaded his comrades to respect the unsightly sandals, and all was well. The Team moved inside.

Ron Ron didn't "announce" his selection so much as he had it ripped unwillingly from his throat by the relentless ASD who is very freakishly good at guessing games. "Who directed it?" she asked. "Wes Craven." "Is it A Nightmare on Elm Street?" "No. Okay, yes. It is." DG and Ron Ron hadn't seen it. ASD had, but many years ago. The mood was optimistic, and the film began. So, too, did the whispers:

Ron Ron: "I wish Senior Senior was here."
DG: "Me too."
ASD: "Me too."
Ron Ron: "I miss him so much."
ASD: "Me too. It feels like I'm dying."
DG: "I'm being engulfed by flames of longing. It burns."
ASD: "He is a superior sort of man, yes?"
Ron Ron: "Yes."
DG: "Definitely. A strong man."
ASD: "Yes."
Ron Ron: "Who will hold me if I get scared?"
DG: "I could try?"
ASD: "Don't do it, DG! It won't be the same. It will only make him more scared."
DG: "True."
ASD: "Just close your eyes if you get scared, little buddy. Close them tight and think of Senior Senior."
Ron Ron (sniffling): "Okay."

The Team did not get scared, if that's what you're wondering. They agreed that Freddy's first kill (Tina) was pretty awesome, and they agreed that the premise was cool. They were into the puberty theme, the sexual allegory. There were funny bits too, mainly between Nancy and her mother, but especially when Freddy tried to slip Nancy the tongue through her phone.

The Team enjoyed the movie despite the lack of scares, but still missed Senior Senior and periodically looked forlornly at his empty spot on the couch. Then, just as Nancy was really kicking Freddy's undead ass, the front door flew open. Footsteps could be heard in the hallway. DG was the only one brave enough to look. ASD covered her eyes, protecting herself against disappointment. Ron Ron distracted himself noisily with the bag of Sun Chips. Suddenly DG erupted in jubilation: "Senior Senior!" Were there hugs? Yes. Were there joyful tears? Yes. Were there whispers of "don't ever leave us again?" Yes. Did Ron Ron leap into Senior Senior's arms, rip open Senior Senior's shirt, and bury his tear-soaked face into Senior Senior's hairy chest? Yes, that definitely happened. Dad is home. All is well.

TRUCE

Team Club has mended itself and gathered Saturday night for some tasty times and
timer shots.  Some were gone before they left
some left,
on their own accord and others
kept 
their socks on and stayed. It was a delight.

Bits of the evening were dedicated to ones and zeros.

We see the Team Club in a sweet timer shot.  D.G. trying to

be gangster with a sleepy Ron Ron.  D.G. backing out of 

Ron Ron's boredom.  A.S.D. scolding Ron Ron for being sleepy. D.G

going to sleep with his socks on.  A.S.D. having one more glamour shot

before disappearing into the night. Next time we will have blender drinks and a porch of somekind.

Just A Little Thought

Does Harry Dean Stanton (pictured below) not look whole bunch like Freddy Krueger?

(By "pictured below", I mean below the baby.  It's the post about him turning 82 and how he is a fine man.  He is.  But he also looks like Krueger.  Krueger makes me think of a car horn from the 1920's.)

Back At 'Er!

That's right folks, team club is back on the street with more class fiber than a bag full of wheat! Tonight will be full of sweet memories to cherish forever, featuring the choice of the one and only (and youngest darling of the group) Ron Ron Pantalon. Although details are shrouded in secrecy like an adulterous secretary (that was a stretch...), it is known that tonight's choice is an epic film that has been a terrifying staple in 80's cinema since, well...the 80's!

Fasten your seat belts and fast-in to the living room because tonight...TONIGHT is going to change your life.

Happy 82nd, Harry Dean Stanton!

Harry Dean, we love your movies and we love your adorable, weathered face! You're the creepiest polygamist ever on Big Love, you were charming as all hell as Molly Ringwald's depressed, alcoholic father in Pretty in Pink, and don't even get me started on how you stole that scene from Keifer Sutherland in Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me. You're the best! Don't ever change! What are you doing for your birthday, Harry Dean? Any plans? I bet your mariachi band has got itself a gig in some kick-ass dive bar in Hollywood. That's why you're awesome, Harry Dean. Know this: Team Club will be toasting you tonight.

The Shaming of a Shamer

TC: It's been a drag the way we've missed the last couple of weeks?

A.S.D: I know.  It's such bullshit.  Do people not care about team club? Do they not get what it's about?  These kids are really starting to piss me off.

TC: I guess everybody has just been a little busy.

A.S.D: Busy!!! Fuck busy.  Everybody is busy.  I'm busy but I don't flake out.  Busy has nothing to do with it.  It's about caring.  They don't care.  I do.

TC: Well why don't we get things back on track with a movie tomorrow.

A.S.D: Tomorrow?  No.  Tomorrow is my day off.

TC: Perfect.

A.S.D: Yeah, no.

TC: Why not?  We'll go to the Royal just two steps from where you live.

A.S.D:  I'm mostly just into smoking, shopping, eating burritos and napping on my day off.

TC: Ok, get a burrito and then walk across the street and join us at the movie.

A.S.D: What about my shopping and lounging?  

TC: You have time for that too.  It's your day off.

A.S.D: Right ... my day off ...  You see I mostly just like complaining about team club and the members.  I am not really that into participating.  But you guys have fun.  I'm gonna go smoke now.  Oh, I think that stranger wants to hear about some shoes I bought.  I'll show him my new lighter too.  Fire is cool.

TC: Ok bye.

A.S.D:  no respones

Double Shame!

Oh, Hi! My name is DG and I'm just sippin' on a coffee. I'm just sippin' on my coffee here and cancelling Team Club's meeting tomorrow like it's no big deal. I mean, it's not a big deal or anything, right? It's not like ASD had a Peckinpah, a Polanski, and a sweet Anna Faris stoner flick all rented and waiting on her coffee table. It's no big deal. Siiiiippp!

The Traitor Who Wants to Kill Team Club: A Shaming

Behold the face of a monster:



Disappointed doesn't even begin to describe how ASD, Senior Senior, and DG are feeling right now. Angry? Sure. Betrayed? Definitely. When ASD walked into her favourite neighbourhood watering hole last night, she was in high spirits. She had a smart, sexy, fun man on her arm. She had, moments earlier, eaten her first ever pickled egg. Imagine her joy, then, at discovering Ron Ron seated at a window-facing table near the front of the bar! ASD is (was) proud to have Ron Ron as a friend, and she was delighted at the opportunity to show him off to her date, to prove that she does in fact have cool friends, a life outside of books and booze. It's with a heavy heart that I explain what unfolded next.

ASD, Charming Man, and Ron Ron retired to the back patio. Some issues of a personal nature were discussed, and ASD and Charming Man lent sympathetic ears, sipping their Guinnesses and nodding reassuringly for they are basically saints. Sometimes a perfectly lovely picnic is destroyed by a sudden thunderstorm. Sometimes a delightful summer at Camp Crystal Lake is ruined by a masked psycho named Jason Voorhees. Sometimes a wicked bonding sesh is decimated by Ron Ron, who announces that he's chosen his band over The Team for the second time in three weeks. ASD wept openly on the patio. Ron Ron yelled and punched her in the eye. Charming Man broke a chair over Ron Ron's head. ASD screamed. Ron Ron fled into the night.

Team Club is carrying on as usual on Tuesday, minus the traitor who is forfeiting his turn to select, making it ASD's turn instead.

You Fucking Broke My Sitar, Motherfucker: DiG!

Team Club shifted nights again this week, meeting on Monday instead of Tuesday, because we're basically really crap at being adults and can't commit to anything. I got there first, but was met with only DG's empty house and a post-it note stuck to the front door which read, Gone to Bronto, Be Back Pronto! p.s. Call Ron Ron. Without a cellphone and already a bit stoned, I sat on the porch and contentedly read a pretty wicked book about snake-handling until DG and Ron Ron arrived with armloads of take-out. This was consumed on the back patio where we were under constant siege by a family of nine raccoons. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, where is the lovely Senior Senior? When will this flimsy triangle become a strong square with four equally devoted corners? Yeah, well, so were we. We passed the time trying to guess what movie he'd bring. Senior Senior, remember, was being punished for an unforgivable and poorly-timed nap and therefore had to bring a movie with a one-word title (no "the" allowed). DG rolled a joint. Ron Ron annoyed us with puns.

About 60 years later, Senior Senior showed up and offered no apologies. By then, we each had long, gray beards and crooked, little canes and none of us could remember why we were there. We scratched our balding heads and stroked our beardy chins. DG realized that he was holding a joint, so we lit it and - fortified - remembered our purpose: to mock me relentlessly. DG, Senior Senior, and Ron Ron mocked me for a good 15 minutes solid about my career, lifestyle, and romantic misadventures. As the most glamorous member of The Team and the only uncoupled one, I am constantly a victim of their jealousy for they secretly long to be as free and beautiful as I. To be fair, we also mocked Ron Ron for a while. Senior Senior scurried off again (this time to heroically procure snacks), and we watched the movie when he returned.

What did Senior Senior pick? That's a very good question, and I don't mind telling you that he fucking blew our minds by selecting a documentary. Not once had we considered that he might bring a documentary! That's the thing about Senior Senior: he's an unpredictable guy with a gruff voice and tight trousers. We love Senior Senior:



Dig! made us laugh our heads off and gasp at the distressing effects of hard drugs. Halfway through the film, I noticed that Senior Senior was not wearing the Selector's Uniform, and when I whispered this to him, he leapt to his feet and remedied the situation immediately. Still, close call. Talking points? Oh, sure:

1. Drugs are bad.
2. The chick from The Dandy Warhols gained weight. Don't look at me. That one came from the mysogonist on my right.
3. Holy crap, The Dandy Warhols wrote the Veronica Mars theme song! I'm a huge fan. Of Veronica Mars, not The Dandy Warhols. And not of the theme song either.
4. The Brian Jonestown Massacre are way better than The Dandy Warhols. Also, The Dandy Warhols are wankers.
5. We love Joel Gion and Matt Hollywood.

The walk down Indian Grove was pleasant, as was the subway ride and subsequent walk down Clinton. Ron Ron chooses next week. He, too, is suffering punishment by Theme Jar and must select a movie made in the 80s. This delighted him for about half a second before we firmly reminded him of the No Star Wars Rule.

How to Murder Your Wife on Your 15th Try: Survive Style 5+

It's so fucking hot at work because the air conditioning is broken and the second floor of the library is basically made of goddamned windows. My brain is melting and my back is slippery like an otter's! So maybe that's why I can't remember anything about Team Club's meeting last week, or maybe it's actually because it was a week ago. Also, I was pretty crazy and withdrawn at our last meeting because I had just quit smoking and was compulsively sucking on these little individually-wrapped lifesaver thingies. Anyhow, nothing much registered with me that night except the following:

1. There was a lot of cigarette-smoking in Survive Style 5+.
2. I thought the advertising chick was funny. I don't mean that her commercials were funny (although some were). I just mean that I thought it was funny and cute and endearing that she kept cracking herself up. No one agrees with me.
3. That guy from Eurotrip who plays football for Manchester was annoying.
4. Undead wife was hot. The male members of The Club would like to have sexual intercourse with her. I'm just jealous of her hair.
5. The soundtrack made me want to slice my ears off.
6. We unanimously enjoyed Bird Dad, though not necessarily his heroism.
7. I really loved the set designs, but forgot to mention it.

I remember some other things too, like how DG said that he downloaded this movie by mistake and that the subtitles were a bitch to synch up. He also said that when he first watched it he felt "the full range of human emotions, from euphoria to rage." Weirdly, I do not remember a single talking point, BUT I remember that there were talking points and that they were effective at generating debate. Of all Team members, Ron Ron clearly loved this movie the most and defended it valiantly at every turn. DG, Senior Senior and I liked it but not nearly as much as baldy-beardy (Ron Ron who, for the record, cut off all his lovely hair). I remember Senior Senior cleverly (and sadly) observing that the dashing Selector's Costume gradually climbs up the necks of our larger members- a tragic design flaw. He also (falsely/cruelly) accused me of licking my nicotine patch.

I'm saddened by the fact that this crappy post does not effectively convey the joy of the evening. There were snacks! There was friendship! There was much joy! There would have undoubtedly been joy last night too if Ron Ron hadn't ruined it for all of us by choosing his bandmates over his teammates, cancelling the meeting, and hurting our feelings. Shame on you, Ron Ron. Some of us are sensitive, okay?
Two words: THEME JAR. Two more: DREAM QUEST.

Senior Senior picks next week. Let's not forget that he too is suffering punishment by Theme Jar and must select a film with a one-word title. What will it be? My money's on Ghost.

Shattered

"To cause to break or burst suddenly into pieces, as with a violent blow"

It is with these solemn words that one can describe this week's Team Club meeting. Ron Ron, last seen at a local Wal-Mart (allegedly looking for toilet paper), has made the grave mistake of carelessness involving large quadrupedal mammals (see below).

These large galloping beasts are inherently capable of simple 'springsteen-like' rock songs and are apparently performing in a boat in a few weeks. Ron Ron is fabled to be attending the voyage and has even begun to grow sharp, pointy ears and a small tuft of fur on his upper anus for the occasion. Regrettably, these furry exaptations will inhibit his Tuesday appearance at the Indian Grove meeting temple.

Team Club members are distraught and Ron Ron's emotions are a crumpled and stuck together like dung particles caught on a shaggy mammal's behind.

No news yet on whether or not Team Club will postpone the meeting until tomorrow night or what sort of punishment will ensue for intra-member betrayal. More news will come when it becomes available but for now, keep on Teaming.

Santi's Quest For Booty Juice

Tito, formerly known as Skeletor, formerly known as DG was a little late getting to Snake Mountain last Tuesday, and he was greeted by a smiling and partially drunk Senior Senior, and a rather serious looking ASD. Nobody seemed to care that Ron Ron was late, and nobody can be blamed for that. Tito quickly eased the tension by regaling his compares with tales of the Hockey Hall of Fame and all the wonders it holds. Then the usual routine kicked off and it was inside to settle once and for all whether ASD can pull off the official garment of Team Club.

After ASD had adjusted her scarf just so, it was clear that this wonderful piece of yellow fabric can't just be worn by any old scrub off the street, but ASD wears it like a champ.

THE DEVIL'S BACKBONE(R) is the story of some old geezer who can't get a boner anymore unless he drinks some nasty juice with mutant babies floating in it. Meanwhile, a bunch of punk children frolic around an old bomb, throw in the wussiest ghost ever and a hot ugly woman with a fake leg and you've got movie magic.

A standout scene was when wee Juventude decided to show how badass he was by fetching a pot of water. After narrowly avoiding a fatal beatdown at the hands of the abusive Spanish version of Joey Jeremiah, young Juventude is shot in the nuts with a rock from a resident slingshot-sniper named Fartles. Fartles is mischievous and about eight years older than the rest of the kids, at first you think he's badass because he smokes, but much like Santi the ghost, he is ultimately proven to be a big pussy who can't swim. Don't let Spanish Joey catch you hanging out by the pool, Fartles, he'll slam your head off a wall.

Easily the best part of the movie was when Old Man Jenkins did a shot of that nasty juice, then looked down at his crotch knowingly. There's a boner a-brewing.

If this movie had contained more scares or sex, it could have been a classic. As it stands, it was a solid exercise in reading comprehension and lead to some fantastic post-film conversation.

Congrats to all members of Team Club, the first round was an overwhelming success. Tonight's meeting has been cancelled by Senior Senior, I look forward to seeing you again for Round 2.



chowzers,
Tito

The Devil's backbone - A.S.D Picks

  This is a disappointing post in Team Club's history because it marks a fracture in the unity of the group as some members refuse to contribute to our mighty on line log. But I hold no grudges and gladly take up the account of A.S.D's pick.  The evening started with confusion as A.S.D was found on D.G's front porch peeking through the blinds with a tin of cookies and The Devil's Backbone tucked under her arm. She was panicked and a little pissed off and as Senior Senior mounted the porch without getting off his bike (he just rode it up the two dozen stairs like it was no big deal) A.S.D could be heard asking "where the hell is everybody?" The tardiness was explained.  A.S.D composed herself and handed Senior Senior one of the most delicious cookies the man has ever tasted.  The two found shelter from the drizzle in the backyard where A.S.D. smoked and reiterated "the whole point of Team Club", which is "commitment and sacrifice".  

  

  In time the other members arrived and the group continued to chill in the backyard.  Snake Mountain Blues was discussed, as were other possibilities for the posse's future but nothing was finalized.  Ron Ron was given a hard time for putting his head down on the table and having a small nap before we went into watch the movie.

  

  Inside, everyone got comfortable, A.S.D donned the "picker's uniform", we all commented on how good she looked in it and began the movie.  The response to the foreign horror was underwhelming.  No one in the group really felt scared or that invested in the characters but everyone agreed that the movie did have its moments.  The viewing also had a despicable and shameful display of napping by Senior Senior, who nodded off for five to ten minutes.  He felt bad but can not be resented for his personal dream quest because he had run a marathon earlier that day and also done in the neighborhood of 900 push-ups on his lunch break at work.

 

 The main talking point that A.S.D brought to the table: would you drink the devil's backbone to get your groove back?  For of D.G. and Ron Ron the question meant some serious soul searching.  Senior Senior was inclined towards yes but was still unsure and A.S.D. who had already seen the movie and had plenty of time to think about it knew for sure that she would dip a ladle in beside the fetus and toss back the sexy nectar.

  The square is now perfect.  The circle is complete.  Next week it begins again.  The wheel of time.  The four conners.  The team and the club.  D.G's pick.

Hola, Equipo!

Manana, nostros garrote suyo observar la pelicula El Espinazo del Diablo!

All the Real Girls

Team Club convened at its usual time last night, which is to say we staggered into DG's living room between the hours of 7-9pm. Because I happen to be ASD, I can say with absolute certainty that she arrived at 8:00 with half a bottle of mediocre wine stashed in her handbag, and that DG and Ron Ron were already there. While waiting for Senior Senior, we watched TV and chatted, and ASD became irrationally angry at the entire cast of Beauty and the Geek. DG told a gripping story about how he acquired a cat. Ron Ron put on the mandatory Selector Costume and modestly unveiled a glorious container of gummy worms. Senior Senior arrived wild-eyed and breathless after a long day at work.

OUTFITS:
DG: Jeans(?) and a very tight red t-shirt intended for the body of a woman. Lakers hat. Glasses.
Ron Ron: Can't remember. Ron Ron? Oh, wait. Jeans and a black, long-sleeved, zip-up jobbie? Also, a beard. And a belt with a fabulous buckle that he bought off e-bay.
Senior Senior: Plaid as usual, I think. Jeans. These crazy loafers that are called Salamanders.
ASD: Orange skirt, black and white striped shirt (boat necked), and a black cardigan. Effortlessly stunning.

Once The Team had gathered (that is, once they went from being a flimsy triangle to a perfect square), they went out back for their usual pre-film joint. Note: The Team normally uses the front porch for this, but DG was feeling experimental. There, they discussed the following:

1. Should Team Club members be allowed to bring guests on occasion? The verdict: undecided. Will discuss this further next week.

2. In the future, will the Theme Jar be mandatory, optional, or punishment?
The verdict: probably optional.

3. Is that tree dead? It has no leaves. The verdict: probably.

4. What about that tree? I really don't think it was angled that way before. The verdict: We don't know, DG. It's your damned backyard.

Back inside, Ron Ron brilliantly introduced his selection using notes prepared beforehand. DG's awesome girlfriend made The Team some snacks. Senior Senior took some broccoli and declared the hummus to be "delicious." The boys cracked beers and ASD topped up her wine. For some reason The Team talked about Ryan Gosling for a while and then mocked a Philip Seymour Hoffman trailer before settling down to watch All the Real Girls.

Behold the first scene. I know, right? It's pretty sexy. In fact, as soon as that scene ended ASD said, "HOT," and then secretly got sad because she doesn't have a boyfriend (she's currently holding auditions, though, so feel free to tell her a bit about yourself in the comments field). All the Real Girls is full of really hot make-out scenes, and the first half hour of the movie was so charming and real and full of potential that it was pretty devastating when it started to take on far too much thematically and devolved into melodrama. That's the opinion of three quarters of The Team, anyhow. DG is more forgiving, but he's a very forgiving guy. After the film ended, Ron Ron brought out his talking points but announced that they didn't really work with what we had just seen. The Team improvisationally discussed:

a) The awesome guy in the sweater at the party who Senior Senior loved.
b) Was she dumping him in that one scene or not?
c) Narrative structure (or lack thereof- not a bad thing! We liked that it wasn't tidy)
d) Music
e) The unbearableness of some later scenes
f) Was mustache guy a jerk?

In an unprecedented burst of energy and comeraderie, The Team then went arm in arm to the pub around the corner where we professed our love for one another and Ron Ron stubbornly refused to drink.

ASD chooses next week. Three cheers for Team Club.

My First Pick, Another Lessoned Learned

I am fully aware that the foundation of Team Club is not only that we appreciate films but that we also, "appreciate each other".  It is a shared delight in the various souls that comprise this team and club that birthed our four headed beauty and keep us watching movies together. However, as the time came for me to present my offering my palms began to sweat and I could feel my neck getting hot.  I was nervous.  I felt the weight of the evening on me.  The enjoyment of it rested on me.  My pick.  Sadly, my fear blinded me and made me forget the spirit of our assembly and in my head I began to hear a chorus of "thanks for nothing senior senior", between long exasperated sucks on cigarettes.  As we watched I could feel that the posse was into it but I was still insecure: is it dragging, too slow, boring, redundant?  Ha.  What an asshole I am.  The answer to worries is, of course: who cares.  This is Team Club.  We appreciate films.  And each other.  And what a grand thing for me to remember when the movie was finished and I heard things like "you just gotta strap in for the ride with a movie like that."  It was sweet. Since our meeting I have learned a few things about the film we screened. Some connections: I wanted to bring Fitzcarraldo but it was not in at film buff. However, Nastassja Kinski plays the mother in Paris Texas and she is the daughter of this guy and he is the star of Fitzcarraldo.  Also, ASD was sure that I would pick Nashville.  I didn't but the one I did pick stars the most amazing little boy and he is the son Karen Black aka Connie White. And Kurt Cobain and Elliott Smith have said it is their favorite movie.  The band Travis was named after Travis. Tomorrow is going to be sweet.  I can't wait to pick again.

Paris, Texas

Team Club turned to the slow and beautiful last night with the 1984 Palm d'Or winner. The film is considered a Wim Wenders masterpiece and stars Harry Dean Stanton who, interestingly, is linked to one of our favourite Young Guns via Repo Man. Here he is below, missing Emilio something fierce:
This was Senior Senior's pick, and a real shocker too, since all week long we thought he was sure to pick The Film That Changed His Life. An hour before the meeting though, in a bizarre twist, he called ASD from the video store and asked, "have you seen this?" Just imagine the team's shock, then, as he unveiled yet another twist in his selection saga!

The meeting began as usual. DG supplied the venue and the insanely enormous TV. Ron Ron (I think) supplied the weed and then, predictably, got tired and after smoking it. Senior Senior theatrically excavated some Lakeport Pilsner from a comically tattered backpack. ASD, as the only female team member, brought her unrivalled beauty, charm, some homemade cupcakes, and a theme jar which will be used in later weeks to guide the selection process. Four (4) new rules were established as well:

1. The Selector now has to don a brightly coloured costume, which was recently discovered in the bowels of Senior Senior's former roommate's closet. It appears to be a small but important part of a marching band uniform, which is weird because we all know this guy is a (very irritating, it should go without saying) bongo player.

2. Should team members choose to play Rock Paper Scissors in the future, as a means of deciding ANYTHING AT ALL, they must lower their fists THREE TIMES in unison before unveiling their weapon on the fourth beat.

3. Finally, The Selector, in addition to preparing talking points in advance of the meeting, must also take a few minutes to present the film before starting it, defending their choice.

4. No Star Wars.

The Team was unsure of what to expect from Paris, Texas. Our nervousness hung in the air like a fart. Three minutes into the film though, Ron Ron could be heard gasping in pleasure from his corner of the couch. Ron Ron is a thin, bearded, vegetarian who loves good cinematography almost as much as he loves fine vegan cheese, and this pleased him hugely. Paris, Texas is much more slowly-paced than Young Guns, sure, but it's also much more ambitious and knocked The Team straight onto their asses. At one point, some strange dude came into the room and said, "you guys look completely riveted." It was during the car chase (not the type of car chase you're thinking of) scene, and we were too absorbed in it to even bother waving him away. Once the film ended, we wandered out to the front porch and Senior Senior hit us with some talking points. We discussed:

a) What else has Sam Shepard written, and why do we keep confusing him with Tom Stoppard?

b) Did you know that Harry Dean Stanton is in a mariachi band?

c) Would this film have captivated us as much if it hadn't been shot so beautifully? (tough call)

d) Harry Dean Stanton is so awesome, right? What the hell is he doing in that crappy Christmas movie with Ted Danson's wife that was filmed in Meaford, Ontario?

Ron Ron chooses next week. We love our Team Club.